Baby in my tummy

We had the miraculous experience of having our ultrasound yesterday.  Both boys played hooky from preschool and came with us.  Noah David snuggled up next to me in the dimly lit room on the stretcher, and Daniel Isaac eagerly sat at my feet.  Daniel stood right there, eyes on the screen.  My eyes shifted from screen, to ultrasound tech (I always tend to look at her face because I think I can read her if something were wrong), to my boys, to Daniel.  The boys were fascinated and had lots of questions.  Daniel was so joyful, and being the outstanding father that he is...he easily juggled (literally...Noah David was hanging upside down from his shoulders for half of the time) being interested and tuned in to each of us, including baby on the screen.  He loves us so well.  DI and ND were most eager to find out if we were having a brother or sister, and we were all excited to hear we are having another brother!  We know just what to do...baby super hero capes will be sewn soon.  Josiah Solomon Taylor is due to arrive October 3.  We love our son's name.  Josiah means "God saves" or "Yahweh hears".  And Solomon was Daniel's great grandfather's name, on top of being a wise king in the Bible, and means, "peaceful."  We really love Josiah's story...to read the full account, go to 2 Kings 21 & 22, but here's my favorite to sum him up from 2 Kings 22:1-2...

"Josiah was eight years old when he began to reign, and he reigned thirty-one years in Jerusalem. His mother's name was Jedidah the daughter of Adaiah of Bozkath.  And he did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and walked in all the way of David his father, and he did not turn aside to the right or to the left."

We hope and pray for each of our children that they will always focus on what is right in the eyes of the Lord, not man...and that they will walk with Him, unwavering.  That their confidence will be found in the only real consistent, True Being...the Lord God.  The one who hears, saves, loves, protects, gives.  We are thankful; we are excited.  Everything looks healthy and growing well.  And now we get to pray for Josiah by name.  

Tonight as I was praying with the boys and got to, "Father, please be with our baby in Africa..." I trailed off and could barely speak with the lump swelling in my throat and tears flowing.  Daniel Isaac said, "Mama, why does your voice sound like that?"  Noah David went from his wiggling 2 year old bottom up-to-avoid-settling position to still and snuggle right on my shoulder.  I replied, "Mommy is sad that we don't know our baby in Africa.  I'm sad that we don't know them by name yet and that we don't know how they are doing."  Daniel Isaac's precious self said softly, "It's ok, Mama.  God will take care of our baby in Africa."  And those were some of the wisest, reassuring words I could've ever heard, and they struck me to my core.  

Mommy is sad.  I'm sad that our baby sometimes feels forgotten...never by us, but that he/she seem so far away.  So out of reach...     That we don't know if he/she is healthy....  That we don't know what pregnancy was like for birth mother......   That we don't know how scared and alone he/she has been.  

We are asked often if "we are still planning on going through with the adoption."  And while I believe this question is innocent and means no harm, it feels like being asked, "will you still parent your child or will you leave them abandoned and fatherless and hopeless?"  It feels the same as if someone asked us, "So will you still go through with this pregnancy?"  Of course!  Our baby in Africa has been sought after and prayed over for over a year now and is not an idea or a nice thing we're doing.  It's our child.  It is a humbling, beautiful calling that the Lord has strongly placed on our hearts.  This child is our own.  

I'm thankful to have such joy and such grief all at once.  And since I am pregnant, I have even more excuse to cry "for no reason".  But there is such reason.  Josiah will have been celebrated by us, family and friends his whole life just as our other boys have been.  Our child in Uganda may or may not have had any type of earthly celebration over his/her life before we meet him/her.  It's heart breaking to me.  And our baby in Uganda is worth our grief and so much more.  And we are going to party like it's 1999 when we receive that first picture.  And when we meet him/her.  And when we finally embrace him/her and bring them home!

THERE IS HOPE.  

Deuteronomy 10:18..."He executes justice for the fatherless......."

Psalm 68:5..."Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in His holy habitation..."

Psalm 82:3...."Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute..."

Psalm 146:9...."...He upholds the widow and the fatherless...."

Isaiah 1:17...."...bring justice to the fatherless..."

John 14:18, from the mouth of Jesus Himself to us...."I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

(above from the ESV Bible)

And we will come to you sweet baby.  Daddy, Mommy, big brothers Daniel Isaac and Noah David, and baby brother Josiah.  We will come to you and celebrate you and love you.  We've been praying and hoping and trusting and celebrating your wonderful life.  

In Him, we have hope.  I have hope that He will see through to completion what He has called us to.  I have hope that little Josiah will grow into a Christ-loving passionate follower of Him alone.  I have hope that His grace really is sufficient for all of my insufficiencies and that His power really is made perfect in my weakness.  

There you have it.  Baby in my tummy.  Baby in Africa.  And we are all in His hands, His care, under His watch.  And that feels so good and safe and reassuring that no matter what...He is.